When Tuesday rolled around, it was Cliff's turn to speak. Each year, several Chaplains who have deployed during the year are invited to give a presentation on what they did/learned/overcame. Typically the topic is "Ministry in Combat" but since Cliff's deployment was much different, so was his message.
Cliff spent hours on his presentation, and just reviewing his Power Point slides several days beforehand was enough to leave me in a sobbing heap. There are so many emotions I have associated with his deployment.
Pride. I was so proud of the part he played in honoring the fallen of our US and Allied service members.
Sadness. Profoundly sad. Sad for the families whose loss is so tremendous...but also sad for everyone involved, for each death touches many who do their part to honor the sacrifice.
Worry. Not worried for his safety this time. But worried that what he was doing and seeing...day in and day out, with only a naps worth of sleep before he'd have to get up to do it again, with no down time, as the only chaplain...would profoundly change him. Worried about him being surrounded by death and also having to minister to those trying to process it themselves. Worried about the Chaplain having a Chaplain.
Weariness. It was hard for me having to be a single parent to teens after one of the most significant "shake-ups" of our family's history. Everything about us changed...leaving our country, our home, our loved ones (while they dealt with some pretty tough challenges), not just our "schools"...but our entire means of education. I could go on. It was a rough transition...and to have Cliff leave in the middle of that really shook us up. Some of my children's needs seemed impossible for me to meet alone.
I don't know that I can really explain it effectively. The information that Cliff and I were asked to share between our two presentations would have been impossible to share comprehensively. We could hit the highlights, give people a glimpse of what he did there and I did back home...but there is no way to convey it in all of its complex messiness and triumphant glory. No way. So to attempt to do it justice was almost painful in itself. To listen to Cliff try to squeeze all that he experienced in its complex layers into a 10 minute presentation was beyond difficult. He could barely scratch the surface. To me it almost felt trite, because I knew so much more...but it was what it was. Which brings me to my final emotion...
Gratitude. Grateful for the Lord's unfailing tender mercies which surrounded both of us during that time. Grateful for the two living "angels" which I know were sent to work with him in their respective capacities. One was an assistant who was so obviously tailored to Cliff it cannot possibly be a coincidence. (A kind, salty-old Marine, complete with Scottish brogue and BYU ball cap...need I say more?) I am so thankful for his strength and his sense of humor. The other was a Chaplain serving at another base nearby who had been a mentor to Cliff in years past. Whenever Cliff would write that he was going to go visit this base (which he did about once a month) I would cry tears of joy knowing his "pitcher" would be refilled in his fellowship with this Chaplain over a nice long dinner (a GOOD dinner, for a change). Gratitude for the "sacred ground" upon which he was able to tread in the experiences he had ministering to the living and the dead. There's no way to even touch that in a 10 minute presentation.
As it always does, the conference ended far too quickly. It was time to say our goodbyes until next year. We needed more time with some of our people, and so we called my dad and luckily he was OK keeping the kids without us for a bit longer. We had one last dinner with some of our closest friends. One of those Chaplains will be retiring this next June. We met him 18 years ago when he performed our wedding at the MCAS El Toro chapel, and in the years since, he and his wife have been some of our most cherished friends. The conference won't be the same without them!
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