Doing The Right Thing

July 17, 2012

Grandpa Bill with Patrick, Baby Coree and Troy 1997

What a whirlwind week.  We received the news of Bill's passing, and it sent us on a roller coaster ride...both emotionally and logistically.  I've read somewhere, or heard it said (or maybe both) that grief is magnified when you've been estranged from a family member who passes away.  It sounded reasonable to me, but I never really gave it that much thought until I was watching my husband try to navigate through it.  I don't have anything to compare it with, since I've never lost an immediate family member (estranged or otherwise) but it makes sense.  It adds another whole dimension to the process.  Instead of looking back on fond memories and loving bonds, you have heartache and regret.  There is no closure.  The relationship won't be "fixed" in this life.  It drudges up old wounds...and the complexity of the situation makes casual conversation about the passing difficult...and unfortunately, since getting a family back to the USA from overseas to attend the funeral involves a ton of conversation, it wasn't always pleasant this week.  

We learned first hand that the less you say, the better.  A heart-felt, "I'm so sorry for your loss" is really all that's needed.  Sympathy cards are awesome.  Probing questions are not helpful.  I told Cliff the next time someone asked if he and his dad were "close," he needed to answer with, "No, but thank you for reminding me that my dad was an alcoholic who never really had the capacity to love me, who shut me out of his life, regardless of my attempts to reach him."  I know people mean well, and I'm certain I've said plenty of dumb things myself, but it was a lesson to me to try my best to think about the possible answers to the questions before asking them.  It hurt my heart SO much to listen to him try to field these kinds of remarks graciously.  On the flip-side, I appreciated SO much those who were so kind and reached out to him, encouraged him to go to the funeral, and bent over backward to make sure it happened (even though Cliff is covering three jobs this summer...which meant others would have to pick up lots of slack).

Anyway, for the first few hours after we got the news, we didn't even think we'd go back for the funeral.  We didn't know if there was going to be a funeral.  His dad's wife was completely bewildered, her sister was trying to help from Alaska, Cliff was trying to help from Japan.  It was just madness.  Because of the time difference, we were making lots of late night and early morning phone calls.  We were trying to figure out what family members could come and when, as well as the details of the arrangements, the obituary, travel, etc.  Most family members didn't think they'd be able to attend, but as the days went on, things started to come together.  Schedules were rearranged, hearts were softened, plans were made, and Cliff put together a funeral from across the ocean.  I was in awe.  It would have been easy to bow out.  In addition to all the other factors (which would cause most anyone to give him a "free pass" from involvement).....we live on the other side of the world, for Pete's sake!  But in spite of it all, he did the right thing, and poured his heart into the arrangements.  Even though his dad wasn't a member, the local LDS ward where his dad lived was so generous in offering their help.  We were overwhelmed by their kindness.

So, tomorrow we start our journey to make the best of things.  Will there be family drama?  Psshhh...we're counting on it.  But we're also counting on the healing that gathering with loved-ones will bring...with people we won't even have to say a word to, because they'll get what a giant, soup-sandwich the whole situation has been, and they will help share the emotional burden.  Most importantly, Cliff will do his best to honor his dad the best he can...and have no regrets about it.

Conference Weekend

The past three days have been totally low-key. Our lives have pretty much revolved around Jake's pain medicine schedule. Three days of leg elevation down...three more to go. I feel so bad for him...he gets so uncomfortable having to lie flat on his back. He's tried going to either side, but the cast rubs on his ankle bone. It seems like this will go on forever, but I know it won't.

Jake hates the oral pain meds. He can't stand the loopy feeling. Pssshhh...I wish he could share, I could use some loopy right now! But no, I need to stay conscious to be able to fetch our meals and such. Jake gets really anxious whenever I have to leave. Traffic can be bad and there is nothing close by, so I feel really bad when I have to leave and so I try to rush back, but it still feels like forever to him. Luckily we have a little fridge and microwave. I try to only leave once a day.

I've become addicted to OWN (The Oprah Network). What will I do when I have to return to the world of AFN channels? Oh Oprah, I will miss you. Between her programming and "The Hunger Games" series that Jenn lent to me for the trip, I've managed to stay occupied.



Lucky for us, it is Conference weekend...which really lends itself well to just laying around watching TV. On one hand, we were very lucky to be in a US time zone so that we could watch it live. If we were still in Japan, we would have to wait until next weekend to watch the rebroadcast at church, or try to stream it over our slow Internet connection on the Mac. On the other hand, since we are in the Hawaii time zone, that means we have to get up at 6 AM to watch the first session. Since I'm kind of a night owl lately, that didn't go over too well. I went in and turned on Jake's TV and told him it was on, but I'm pretty sure he slept through both morning sessions. I probably slept through half of them. But I was awake for both of the afternoon sessions and they were great.

My favorite two talks from this conference:

Richard G. Scott-He spoke on the blessings of eternal marriage and developing unity through trials. I have a love/hate relationship with this concept. On one hand, I know it is true. When I look back on the experiences Cliff and I have had in our 20 years, I know that the trials strengthen our bond. On the other hand, sheesh, sometimes I wish life could be a bed of roses. He also told the sweet story of caring for his sick child through the night, and when he died unexpectedly a few months later, how grateful he was to have the precious memory of holding and caring for his son during that night. It made me think of this whole experience with Jake (and the one we had 12 years ago). Even in all the craziness, I'm grateful to have the opportunity to care for him.

Lynn G. Robbins-He started off his talk with the famous question, "To be or not to be" and then went on to talk about "to do or to be" I loved the part where he asked, "Can a child ever be checked off as done?" Sometimes, I can't really think about this concept because it makes my throat start to close up. Parenting is never done...even when you're a great-grandparent. Someone recently told me, "You're only as happy as your least happy child." Oh, this is so true. When I start to think of what the future could potentially hold, with four children raising families of their own, I realize I will never be able to check them off as done. I just pray they make wise decisions...the most important being with whom they will raise their own families. My favorite part was his analogy of "Parenting 101" vs. "Parenting 505." When kids/teens bring challenges with their choices, it's hard not to think of those challenges as a burden. But when he asked, "With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?" It really made me think of things differently. Not that I'm looking to have my patience and long-suffering challenged, believe me!

I look forward to getting the Ensign so that I can read the talks I dozed through. Heaven knows, with no Oprah network, I'll have enough reading time on my hands.

The Eagle Has Landed

Oh my, have the years passed quickly from this...

To this. Last night was such a special night, I'm still reeling and can hardly even express my thoughts. I'd imagined what this night would be like, and even sometimes wondered if it would ever come. But through several moves, lost and found records, periods of personal apathy and gung-ho enthusiasm, leaders who were lost and/or apathetic to leaders who were awesome and above-and-beyond...from dysfunctional programs to programs so amazing you wish everyone had the same...Troy arrived at this night, his Eagle Court of Honor.

Knowing they put on a great party, we booked a banquet room at the Butler Officers' Club. It was also an added bonus that it was right down the street in case we forgot anything, not to mention it was WAY easy for people to find (everyone knows where it is) so we didn't have to draw sketchy maps and pray people found the little sign for our church in the dark. Since we were planning in two weeks*, an event that usually takes about 2 months to pull together, it was a HUGE deal not having to worry about any of the food, dishes, set-up, clean-up or other logistical details.



We had so many wonderful friends and family attend and participate in the ceremony. There were various teachers and leaders, and even the Commanding General of the Wing came out, which was very touching. Our friend and Branch President was the Master of Ceremonies and he did such a fabulous job. He asked all the right questions and got every detail squared away before the ceremony. It probably helps that he's in the awards business in his day job as a Marine, too. Did we call that one, or what?



Dan, from the Far East Council, also came and opened up the ceremony for us.

Then, boys from our troop, representing each rank in Scouting, explained what the badge of their respective rank represents, to demonstrate all the ranks Troy had to pass through to get to Eagle Scout. They all looked so sharp!

I love these boys! And not just my own...they are all great young men.

Bro. Kiser came and gave the Eagle Charge. He is over Scouting for our church district, and lends such enthusiasm to the program. When we read the script, we knew we wanted him to do this part. He explained all of the requirements Troy had to meet...the things he now knew how to do...now that he is an Eagle Scout. He did a great job of including all of what was so beautifully written in the script, combined with his usual, Brother Kiser humor and enthusiasm.



Here he is encouraging all the other Scouts to follow the same path. It reminded me of last year, when the Scouts were planning for their first High Adventure trip. It was scheduled for the same three-day weekend as the school's winter formal dance. This was a big deal for the high school Scouts. They only get three dances a year. They were thinking it was an unfair choice, yadda yadda. My boys came home from church and said that Brother Kiser told them, looking back on his life, he doesn't remember the details of one dance he attended in high school...but he remembers every single High Adventure he ever went on, and that the experience would be life changing. I think he pretty much sealed the deal. Every one of those boys chose the High Adventure over the dance. We love Brother Kiser.



This is the part where the video screen came down and we played this video of Troy's journey to Eagle Scout in four minutes. Luckily, I got all my tears out while I was making it, and was just able to enjoy it along with everyone else.

{Trivia: When Troy watched the video as I was burning it to DVD, he chuckled and said, "This video makes me look a whole lot cooler than I am in real life." I thought that was very insightful of him. Not that I don't think he's as cool as the video, but that the video was composed of little snapshots of his life, experiences he has tried, some a few times, some for a year, some for longer...but not that he is a master of everything it featured.}



Then the MoC called these two Eagles (his sons, BTW) to escort Troy up to the front.



And Scoutmaster Cory shared some of Troy's accomplishments in Scouting.



Brother Neal, the Young Men's president, shared some of the future expectations of an Eagle Scout, to remind Troy that it doesn't end here...



And then Scoutmaster Cory led Troy, and all the other Eagle Scouts present in taking (or renewing) the oath of the Eagle Scout.



Look at these awesome Eagles in the Eagles' Nest!



Can't forget the MoC...he's an Eagle, too.



Then I got to pin on Troy's new rank, and he gave me my mother's pin and these beautiful, patriotic roses, and (my favorite part) a hug and a kiss.



Dad gets a father's pin, a handshake and a hug.



Then Troy got to present a pin to the mentor he had chosen. Brother Neal really went above and beyond in helping Troy to achieve this goal. During the times when Troy got lazy or thought it was just too hard, Brother Neal was there to get him back on track. We will be forever grateful for him.



But we couldn't forget Brother Miles back in the IV! After having kind of a rocky start with a dysfunctional Scouting program early on, both of our boys really lost interest in Scouting after leaving Cub Scouts. When we moved out to the IV, we learned that Brother Miles (also an Eagle Scout) had contagious enthusiasm for Scouting (even if understated compared to the uber-enthusiasm of Brother Kiser). He talked about Scouting wherever he went, was always volunteering for different events, even when he wasn't officially called as a leader. This was the kind of guy that, during Scout camp, would drive up the mountain, the 2+ hours to camp when they needed a second leader (it was usually just Cliff who was able to go since he got more vacation than most, being in the military) just to have to turn around and head back to work the next day and repeat. He believed Scouting was the answer to most of the ills of society, and the more I see, the more I believe he is right. Anyway, Troy wanted to also present Brother Miles with a mentor pin, to recognize the impact he had on Troy's desire to give Scouting another chance, and for all the help he gave him in getting to the rank of Life Scout (the rank Troy had when we moved to Okinawa). Brother Miles was officially recognized in the program, and Troy will be sending him his pin. (Thank goodness the BSA allows you to buy extra.)



Then the time was turned over to Troy. I knew he'd prepared a few words, but I thought it would be very few. He thanked the club, the leaders, friends and family, his parents, etc.



He encouraged the other Scouts to push through and become Eagles, telling them it was all worth it. He even shared his strategy of preparing an epic sandwich (step by step) whenever they had a daunting task (like an Eagle packet) ahead of them. It was hilarious and had us all roaring.



As I sat there listening to him, I was just overwhelmed. And it wasn't the usual weepiness like at graduation...it was something different entirely. I was so full of joy and pride, I thought I might burst. I was sitting there listening to how naturally he shared his thoughts, with his trademark quiet confidence, soaking it all in...thinking, "Wow! He really is a man now!" And I didn't feel the slightest bit of angst about it. It was just all good. I was thinking, that even if Troy Stuart wasn't my son, I'd still really like him as a person. I am so grateful to be his mom.



Brother Neal presented him with a memento from the troop...a pair of Shisas with a name plaque on the front. That will be a keepsake, for sure.



Can I just say that this is one of my favorite pictures of all time? What an amazing group of boys and men.

{BTW...Thank you, Brenda, for taking on the photography duties (and Sarah for taking on the filming duties) so that I could just enjoy the evening.}



The awesome Eagles.



Get a load of that flair around my neck. And we're not even finished, yet.



I heart this family.



The catering dept. came up with a perfect, Scout-friendly menu. Mini-sandwiches, spring rolls, chicken skewers, nacho cheese and chips, and everyone's favorite...taco rice cups. They were a huge hit. Whooda thought?



There were also assorted cookies...yum!




And just good ol' water to drink. It's really all about the food.



My friend, Leigha, did this cake. Is this an epic cake, or what?



I knew she did good stuff, and I pretty much gave her carte blanche with this. She did not disappoint. I hope the other boys get their Eagles before she leaves the island just so that she can do their cakes, too.



And you know what they say about Scouts? They are trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent...



And hungry!



Troy did the honor of cutting his cake.



And was very kind to share all the fondant goodies with the other Scouts. It was all edible. They were in heaven.



I was bummed I didn't think to ask for photos of everyone before half the people were gone. At least we have the video of the evening, though.



Cute, cute kids from the 'hood.



Fresh Patrick of Bel Air



We love the Bantas!



Luckily, I caught Brother Kiser as he was headed out the door...



Otherwise, we might have missed out on this shot entirely. And that, my friends, would have been a crying shame.



We drove the .02 km back to our bunker, I put my beautiful flowers in the vase on the entry table, and we collapsed into bed. But sleep was elusive, as I knew it would be. Cliff and I are both extreme extroverts, and an event like this is our crack cocaine. I hate that we can never sleep after parties, especially meaningful events like this one. I replayed the night over and over, mostly the good parts, but some of the "shouldahs," too. I finally did fall asleep, but woke up at the usual 5 AM, with a headache and in a panic. I don't know exactly where it came from, maybe because it's the next big milestone we have looming on the horizon, but more likely it was the questioning (and shock) last night, from some of our friends (of another faith) who had no idea we will not see or hear from Troy for two full years, other than calls on Christmas and Mothers Day, once he leaves for his mission. I've always known this, but the reality that he'd be leaving in six months hit me very hard this morning. Six months is nothing...and although I wouldn't have it any other way, man it's going to be hard. He's just such an important part of our family, not to mention a lot of fun to have around. So I laid there, trying not to wake up Cliff with my crying, but I did anyway. Luckily, he's gotten used to the mood swings over the years, and just quietly stroked my hair. So much for no-more-weepiness. I've watched the video slideshow three times today already, if that tells you anything.

I just want to finish this post by saying how grateful I am for the Scouting program. As I sat there looking around the room last night, at all the righteous men who are brought into my boys' lives through this program, I thought, "Who wouldn't want this for their boys? Who wouldn't want this kind of mentorship to help them navigate the trappings of this life?" It's worth all the hassle, all the lost blue cards, the ripped Scout pants, the patches sewn and re-sewn. It's worth the nagging and frustration.

I also have to add how grateful I am for my husband, who was not a Scouter...did not grow up with it in his life or see the importance of it. It was me who felt my life experience would be less if my boys did not become Eagle Scouts, not Cliff. But just the same, he took off work three years running for the week of Scout camp to give them (and their friends) some of their best experiences, it was Cliff who has been on countless hikes and campouts, in every condition, put up with all kinds of indignity...because our boys having these Scouting experiences is important to me. Just one more reason I love him with every fiber of my being. He is the best.


*You aren't allowed to start planning an Eagle CoH until you receive the official paperwork from Scout Headquarters saying your Scout has been officially deemed an Eagle. We didn't get that paperwork until mid January. Due to upcoming travel plans for several family members for school, work and surgery...if we didn't do this right now, it would be May before we'd be able to pull it off. By then, Troy's missionary prep will be in full swing, and we didn't want to just put a check in the box, since this is really a big deal. So we opted to just skip on all the dignitary certificate-and-letter-ordering hoopla (the thing that takes the most time...we will do it after the fact) and pay out the nose for the catering. It was SO worth it, though. They took care of every detail. I think we'll do the same for the other two, even if we have plenty of time, just because it was so awesome.

Taking Down Christmas

As much as we hated to take away Charlotte's holiday digs...


Christmas had to come down. I usually like to take it down the weekend after Christmas...or at least by New Year's Day. But this year, I just couldn't find the motivation to save my life. So, I decided to be an honorary Catholic and observe the Epiphany. I think it's a great reason to keep the decorations up until after the 6th. That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

I decided to take all the ornaments off of the tree and spread them all over my dining room table. This would mean I'd have to put them away, right? We have to eat, after all (and we're NOT doing it on my couches!). Well, although it did get me started, it still took me several days to get them totally boxed up. We simply ate with ornaments in the middle of the table, like one elaborate but tacky, holiday centerpiece.

I've mentioned before that I have a bit of an ornament fetish. A matchy holiday tree doesn't sound like my idea of a good time (although I do admire the beauty of others' matchy trees). My Christmas tree represents a life fully lived. I try to get an ornament from every vacation stop we make. I have them for first Christmases, events and special occasions (although I don't do an ornament per kid per year like some do...too much pressure. I just get one if I see something that celebrates an accomplishment or interest and it all comes out in the wash). I LOVE ornaments my kids have made. I still have some made from dough, cinnamon, paper, pipecleaners, you name it that have been around for over a decade. And if a school/church teacher has my child make an ornament which includes his/her picture? I'll love them forever. They are the best. And ornaments as gifts? I can't think of anything better. I swear to you I remember the giver of each and every Christmas ornament gift and I think of them fondly, each year as I hang their ornament.

My favorite gift to give to newlyweds is an "Our First Christmas Together" ornament. Hallmark's ornaments come out every June (I know, I've checked) so if you get married the second half of the year, you're getting one. (Who am I kidding? Even if you get married in January, you're getting one...because I NEVER get gifts out on time, anyway!) I like them so much because they are my favorite ornaments to put up each year. Those, and these:


'92, '94, '97 and '98...all VERY good years!

While I am happily minimizing in other areas of my life and I'm loving not having so much flotsam and furniture...I don't plan on parting with any of my ornaments, if I can help it. I love the memories they represent.

Something else I've collected through the years (since they started making them in 1996) are dated, military ornaments made my American Greetings/Carlton Cards, sold through the military exchanges. I get at least one each year, and try to get one having to do with whoever we are serving with at the time (Navy or Marines, ship or aircraft, etc.) if possible.


I grouped them all together, and realized, I was missing three of the years. I tried to think of how that could be...and one was the year we were totally broke, right after Cliff had finished grad school and was trying to get picked up by the Navy Chaplaincy, while we were living on enlisted, Marine Reserve pay. Lean times, for sure. An ornament would not have been on the list.

[Trivia: This was also (not coincidentally) the year we decided to blow the lid off of the whole Santa thing. While our choice had spiritual benefits for sure, in our case it had more to do with not wanting our kids to have any doubts about how good and wonderful they were, even with very little under the tree...while the thieving brats down the street got the latest in video game entertainment and custom skateboards. I have never regretted my decision, although I do not blame any who perpetuate the Santa fantasy. It's a great fantasy, when your parents can afford it. Otherwise, it sounds like a pretty crappy thing to burden kids with...especially as expectations continue to rise of what a "good list" gift from Santa should look like. For those who have not been in this position, it might be hard to understand my reasoning...but it does give one pause to wonder about how the good and worthy children of America feel, who are all too aware of "Santa" but fall short of his good grace due to their economic situation. It's not the giving of lavish gifts I take issue with, heaven knows we've had some pretty expensive Christmases, and I realize ours are way more lavish now than they were when our kids were young. The problem I have is tying the giving of those gifts to how "good" a child is. Again, it works great when you have no worries...but when you end up in a situation like we did in 1999, when at least two of our kids were young enough to "believe" but also old enough to see the disparity in the neighborhood, it's hard to rationalize. Why don't we either say, "Santa brings toys to children according to IRS reporting data, regardless of their goodness" or just admit that parents are behind it all? It would be so much easier to explain. Still, my children will have to decide for their own families and I will support them in whatever they decide.]

The other two missing, were from years we went to Utah for Christmas, and so it was just something I had obviously overlooked before we left town. But...thanks to Ebay, my collection is now complete, and I didn't even have to pay more than they were originally. cha-CHING. Can't wait until they get here in the mail.





What about you...do you prefer matchy or hodge-podge in the tree department...or do you even get into ornaments at all? Is it just me?