Am I Kidding Myself?

This is the painting that hangs over our computer desk in the family room. I think it's hard to tell scale from the photograph because the lamp is also large, but it's a pretty big painting. Some nights I get lost in it. If I look at it long enough, I can actually see the sun start to shimmer on the water, hear the seagulls and the wind rustling through the palm leaves, and smell the salt. Some days I wish I could live in this picture!

It's been a long, crazy day. I need to remember that they are not all like this, but lately (more often than not) they are. It doesn't help that Cliff is out of town all week for training. He left Monday night (after Navy League) for San Diego, got back into town just in time to teach his speech class tonight, ducked into the court of honor quickly and then had to leave for Phoenix for more training. He won't get there until 1 AM, and then Saturday he'll also get back about midnight, and then has to speak twice on Sunday.

My days usually start out at 5 AM to get the highschoolers to Seminary by 6 AM. I'm supposed to walk in the park while they are there, but to be honest, most days I'm so exhausted I sleep in the car. Theresa was driving today, though, so I got lucky and slept in until 7...woohoo! I got the other kids up, got myself ready, ran errands until 9 (bills, post office, bank, gas) came back home, made several phone calls from my To Do list, checked my work email and spent half an hour on the phone with the tech guy trying to get a program to run on my laptop (no luck...Vista seems to be the problem). Helped kids with school work, wrote a thank you note, made appts. for haircuts and the bug guy. Left for work about 5 minutes till I was supposed to be there (It takes 15 to get to the base). Gate guard had accepted a bunch of donated books from someone for Cliff's book drive to help a fellow chaplain start a library for his Marines in Iraq. Took those over to Cliff's office since he's gone this week. Got to work. Helped students with myriad issues, phoned, faxed, emailed, filed, counseled...all the stuff that comes with a day's work. Ran back out in town to take an instructor his faculty agreement, headed back home to pick up kids for haircuts. I had called ahead and told them to be ready. Were they? NO. Ran around house helping boys find Scout paraphenalia. Decided what we found was good enough. Dropped them off at Kim's. As soon as Troy was done, took him over to Vincennes just in time for his class (helped 5 students with various stuff while I was there) back over to Kim's while she finished the rest of the kids' hair and I sewed a patch onto Patrick's new Scout shirt (I would run out of time for the other 4 patches). Ran over to Cliff's building to take pictures of his class (for the graduation slideshow). Forgot his instructor packet. Ran over to get dinner at Subway (which took forever...I could have run home and cooked something by then!) and brought some back to Cliff. Still forgot instructor packet. His class finished...ran back over to my building, Troy's class was done. He inhaled his food and we jumped in the van and they changed clothes on the way. Got there one minute late (which is 4 minutes early on Mormon Standard Time...so we didn't miss anything). Got to talk to Cliff for about 5 minutes afterward, got a hug and a kiss and he was off again. Drove home, told kids to get right on their chores, found an Amazon box on the front porch with some new books for the kids (good stuff...Lord of the Flies, Summer of the Swans, Animal Farm, etc.). Sat down to check the county court website to see if I have to report for jury duty tomorrow (so far, so good!). Realized the house had gone silent...found kids engrossed in books, not doing chores. Cracked whip (figuratively). Anyway, we got through the bedtime routine and I sat down in front of my blog and posted the court of honor pictures, and here I still sit, in front of the computer, blogging.

So, today I've been thinking...even in the middle of all this craziness...I don't really feel anxious. There were a dozen other things that I didn't get done today that I should have...a room to decorate and closet to clean for Sunday School, Troy's next driving lesson to schedule, passport paperwork, a Realtor to find, laundry to do, math homework to finish, papers to file, stuff to get rid of before we move. But regardless of that, I love my family, I love my "jobs", I love our life...and I feel like I'm just about to get a handle on things...even though it doesn't look like it. So here is the question...am I kidding myself? Are things ever going to change, or will it always be this harried? When the kids were little, I thought for sure life would get easier when they were all out of diapers or all out of car seats or all in school, or able to dress themselves or make their own lunches. But I was wrong. It just changed. In a lot of ways, it got harder. I am constantly thinking, "Once I get through the school year" or "after the holidays" or "when I'm done with this class" or "when we move". So am I kidding myself? Am I always going to just keep afloat? And why do I always manage to keep myself so busy, anyway? What is my deal? I know not everyone is this...crazy.

Well, I have been ranting for long enough. I have such a hard time putting myself to bed when Cliff is gone...it's like I'm 3 and I need someone to tell me it's bedtime! I'll probably read this tomorrow, think it's stupid and delete it. Goodnight!