Doing The Right Thing

July 17, 2012

Grandpa Bill with Patrick, Baby Coree and Troy 1997

What a whirlwind week.  We received the news of Bill's passing, and it sent us on a roller coaster ride...both emotionally and logistically.  I've read somewhere, or heard it said (or maybe both) that grief is magnified when you've been estranged from a family member who passes away.  It sounded reasonable to me, but I never really gave it that much thought until I was watching my husband try to navigate through it.  I don't have anything to compare it with, since I've never lost an immediate family member (estranged or otherwise) but it makes sense.  It adds another whole dimension to the process.  Instead of looking back on fond memories and loving bonds, you have heartache and regret.  There is no closure.  The relationship won't be "fixed" in this life.  It drudges up old wounds...and the complexity of the situation makes casual conversation about the passing difficult...and unfortunately, since getting a family back to the USA from overseas to attend the funeral involves a ton of conversation, it wasn't always pleasant this week.  

We learned first hand that the less you say, the better.  A heart-felt, "I'm so sorry for your loss" is really all that's needed.  Sympathy cards are awesome.  Probing questions are not helpful.  I told Cliff the next time someone asked if he and his dad were "close," he needed to answer with, "No, but thank you for reminding me that my dad was an alcoholic who never really had the capacity to love me, who shut me out of his life, regardless of my attempts to reach him."  I know people mean well, and I'm certain I've said plenty of dumb things myself, but it was a lesson to me to try my best to think about the possible answers to the questions before asking them.  It hurt my heart SO much to listen to him try to field these kinds of remarks graciously.  On the flip-side, I appreciated SO much those who were so kind and reached out to him, encouraged him to go to the funeral, and bent over backward to make sure it happened (even though Cliff is covering three jobs this summer...which meant others would have to pick up lots of slack).

Anyway, for the first few hours after we got the news, we didn't even think we'd go back for the funeral.  We didn't know if there was going to be a funeral.  His dad's wife was completely bewildered, her sister was trying to help from Alaska, Cliff was trying to help from Japan.  It was just madness.  Because of the time difference, we were making lots of late night and early morning phone calls.  We were trying to figure out what family members could come and when, as well as the details of the arrangements, the obituary, travel, etc.  Most family members didn't think they'd be able to attend, but as the days went on, things started to come together.  Schedules were rearranged, hearts were softened, plans were made, and Cliff put together a funeral from across the ocean.  I was in awe.  It would have been easy to bow out.  In addition to all the other factors (which would cause most anyone to give him a "free pass" from involvement).....we live on the other side of the world, for Pete's sake!  But in spite of it all, he did the right thing, and poured his heart into the arrangements.  Even though his dad wasn't a member, the local LDS ward where his dad lived was so generous in offering their help.  We were overwhelmed by their kindness.

So, tomorrow we start our journey to make the best of things.  Will there be family drama?  Psshhh...we're counting on it.  But we're also counting on the healing that gathering with loved-ones will bring...with people we won't even have to say a word to, because they'll get what a giant, soup-sandwich the whole situation has been, and they will help share the emotional burden.  Most importantly, Cliff will do his best to honor his dad the best he can...and have no regrets about it.