April

I can't believe she's gone. Ever since I received the news back in March from April's husband, I've known this day would come. Ever since I read and googled those words from his email, "stage IV pulmonary adenocarcinoma," I've opened every Caring Bridge update, wondering if this was going to be the one...but today, even before I opened it, I knew.

Back in late February, April had been kind of scarce on Facebook...not unusual considering she had started back to school and her husband had deployed to Afghanistan. I didn't think much of it. Didn't know of the acute symptoms she had been experiencing that sent her to the hospital. Even as I read Glen's email in March, I was alarmed that he had been sent home, but was not immediately thinking the worst...there could be lots of reasons they'd send a Marine home, right? As the reality sunk in as I read his words, "most aggressive form" "late stages"...it was hard to then transition with him as he wrote of "standing in faith" and "right to be healed." I was still reeling and screaming in my head. I immediately got on my knees. Actually, I think the first thing I did was email Cliff (who was on an exercise in Korea) and my chaplain spouses group and asked them to pray with me for this Marine family...then I got on my knees and did the same. And continued to pray for a miracle.

I prayed in my usual way, as we've been instructed...for His will to be done...and for the courage to accept it...but added my own pleading for it to PLEEEAAASSE be His will that she live...that she get to continue to be the amazing wife to her husband, the fabulous mother to her four young children, the friend everyone felt lucky to have. But even as I prayed, I knew that was not always his will. Sometimes fabulous, angelic mothers die. Sometimes it's His will that fathers come home too soon for their families' liking. I knew this. I've experienced it in my own family. But I couldn't help praying and thinking this was entirely unfair.

I wanted to have as much faith as April...I really did. She had SO much faith...but I've known that about her ever since we met 13 years ago. So many of our conversations centered around faith. Although we are both Christian, we belong to different faith groups. Her journey to Christ was similar to mine, though...troubled upbringing, muddling her way through to find Him in adulthood. But where I am boisterous and sometimes bossy by nature, she was gentle and meek...quick to smile, slow to judge, and absolutely sparkled from the inside out. I can still hear her gentle voice in my mind (a tender mercy) as I go over some of the conversations that we've had. I remember calling April after receiving the phone call telling me that another good friend of mine (who I had just been chatting with at church the day before) was in the hospital, having discovered her full term baby would be stillborn. I was hysterical. April said, "let's pray for them right now"...and when I started but could barely even speak through the sobs, she took over, and lifted them up in the most beautiful prayer, right there over the phone...a prayer which also lifted me up and gave me the strength to do all that I could to help this friend through grief and funeral details.

Considering how much her example has helped me in my life, it is ironic the way we were introduced. I was supposed to be helping her. She was referred to me through an autism early intervention support group. Her two year old daughter was newly diagnosed with autism. Even though we lived in the same neighborhood, we had several phone conversations before finally meeting in person. Talking to her and being with her were just so easy...it's hard to explain. She was such a patient mother...one of my first examples of home schooling, too...as she was also home schooling her oldest daughter through all of this.

During those years, she and I were both truly in the thick of it...each having 4 babies pretty close together, Cliff worked full time and was in grad school full time. Glen also went to school at night...and did an unaccompanied tour over here to Okinawa at one point. We were both navigating IEPs, neurology, Regional Center...on top of our already challenging lives as Marine wives.

We shared our beliefs with each other. One of my favorite April memories involved me locking myself in the bathroom to get away from my rowdy kids while I answered her questions about the Articles of Faith of my church. She was sharing with me the similarities with her own Pentecostal beliefs (the faith group she had belonged to when she started going to church...she was then attending a non-denominational Christian church).

Another story took place after she had moved a few hours north (during her husband's Okinawa tour). Some LDS missionaries had knocked on her door. Now, she was not looking for a new church, she was happy with her own...but she said she let them in because she knew they were from my church. She told me that during their visit, they had offered to help her with anything she needed. She asked them how they felt about hornets nests. The Elders set up a time to come back and get rid of the hornets. What April wanted to know from me, was if they really just wanted to help her, or if they were going to be disappointed when she didn't join their church. I assured her that they truly did want to help her, that in fact, service was part of their mission. I also told her I couldn't promise they wouldn't be disappointed...but that I knew they most of all just wanted to help her. Still to this day, I love that visual of those Elders fighting the hornets in their quest to serve my friend.

There are other stories too personal (or even sacred) to share here...but just know that she was such an example of patience, forgiveness and long-suffering. She was simply amazing.

I stopped trying to understand the "why's" a long time ago. Some things are just impossible to reason out. But like Nephi, even though I do not know the meaning of all things, I DO know, without a shadow of a doubt, that our Father in Heaven loves his children. All of us. He has the power to use all circumstances for his purposes, even when they are not evident to us.

I also know that I will never think of distance quite the same again. A trip from coast to coast? After dealing with an entire ocean...no biggie. How I wish I could get in a car and drive to her funeral right now. Even better...how many visits would we have gotten in between March and now? She only lived about four hours away from where we were last stationed...but she moved there from across the country after we had already moved to Japan. Such is life in the military...but I still can't help feeling ridiculous for just taking for granted we'd have another opportunity to be stationed together. I was just sure that we would...that we had plenty of time.

After all is said and done, I know it doesn't matter whether I mourn in California or on Okinawa. It's more important that I continue to pray for her family, and have faith in God's plan...and gratitude for the lessons she taught me.

See you in Heaven, April. Put in a good word for me, K?