Pain and Parenthood

Patrick and our awesome piano teacher

There is some knowledge that, try as you might, cannot be conveyed with words...can't be truly understood by reading a book, or even with an eye-witness account. Some things cannot be learned by passive experience. I am actually grateful for this fact, especially when it comes to being a parent. If anyone had been able to fully convey to me how hard it is to be a parent, I might have said, "Thanks, but no thanks." But I saw so many others doing it, and making it look easy, that I thought it seemed like a whole lot of fun...and it is, don't get me wrong...but the pain doesn't stop with childbirth (or the adoption process)...that is just the beginning.

By the way, I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to pain. Sure, people tell me all the time how strong I am for one reason or another...usually having to do with single parenting (part-time, while my husband deploys) or home schooling (which our family did for 5 1/2 years, and may yet do again, should the need arise)...but truth be told, I'm not really very strong at all. There are certain situations in life where there is no choice but to keep pressing forward. The only choice is to 'put on your big girl panties and deal'. But given the choice, I'll choose the easy, pain-free way every time!

So, it was an EXCELLENT thing that none of my friends could really truly show me how hard it is to be a parent. Because IF I had chosen the easy, pain-free way, I would have missed out on SO much besides the pain. If I had opted out of the pain of dealing with developmental delays, I would have missed out on the triumphant feeling of that first time, after months of working and waiting, a child reaches a longed-for milestone. If I had turned down the weeks in PICU, watching a machine breathe for my son...I would have missed out on feeling the tender mercies of the Lord as his life was spared and I came to understand what a gift from God he truly is. If I had shied away from the pain of watching my children be hurt by another, or misunderstood by a teacher, or disappointed or rejected...I would have cheated myself out of the joys of witnessing them develop the relationships that will sustain them in this life.

It is so hard for me to keep this perspective when I am feeling my children's pain (which is like your own personal pain, only magnified times 100). I don't know that I'm at a place yet where I can think, "For what is this helping me feel gratitude?" I just want to lash out and destroy whoever or whatever the offender. And I'm not ashamed to admit...I actually have made (and continue to make) some choices based simply upon avoidance of pain.

Why do I bring up all this talk of pain and parenting? I've just had the opportunity to reflect upon it many times since we've moved overseas. Our lives have changed in SO many ways that we've all been forced to stretch ourselves and there's been unavoidable discomfort as a result. Not only have we left friends and family, our home, jobs we loved, our country we took for granted (only to have the head of our family leave us for yet another foreign country); but we have completely changed the way we 'do school' by letting our children venture back out into 'the real world' of public education. I think this has actually been the biggest change of all, and it has been hard on all of us. I've been reminded many times over why we started home schooling in the first place. The homework is sometimes pure insanity, leaving me to wonder what they do during class. The stories the kids bring home are shocking, leaving me frightened for the direction our society is headed. The bureaucracy is stunning, making me grateful I've been spared it the past 6 years. Even so, we felt prompted and continue to feel reassured, that this is the right thing for our family right now.

The other day I received a phone call from Patrick's history teacher. As my chest tightened, I listened carefully for whatever bomb she was going to drop on me. She just wanted to tell me personally how Patrick's presentation on the Mongol expansion was so mind-blowing (and here I had chuckled when he left the house that morning with a Rubbermaid full of Lego dioramas). In fact, she wanted him to present it to her other honors class as well. She was also calling to see if I would encourage him to join the debate team (what a thought...Patrick using his skills for good and not evil). It was a short conversation for which I thanked her profusely. Contrast this with the pain I have felt through Patrick's pain as he has struggled to adjust to all of the changes going on in his life right now. One more triumph to add to the parenting treasure chest...right in there with a long-awaited, first conversation with a preschooler; watching a son come from death's door and tube-feedings to relearning to sit up and crawl; and watching a daughter experience the joy of a true, best-friend.

I know this roller-coaster ride will continue as my children grow...and I was gripped with a sense of panic when I came to the realization that it won't stop there, because grandchildren will just cause the cycle of joy and pain to repeat itself. Yes, it is a fabulous thing that I didn't know how hard this would be. I would have cheated myself out of the ride of a lifetime!